Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

Today, we've had a few customers call in and decide that they don't want to continue their accounts with us, which is fine. The part that strikes them as not fine is that they aren't entitled to a refund.

Our business works in a pretty straightforward manner. Our policies are simple and blunt and very upfront. They might not be for everyone, but that's why we not only explain the major points on the phone, and explicitly display them on a proxy page before a customer activates, reactivates, or renews an account. In essence, even if there's miscommunication between you and the rep signing you up or handling your billing call, everything still goes through these proxy pages, which explicitly lay out the billing and the conditions.

And that's why I love people who call in and decide that they can break their end of a contract at any time without repercussions. Here are some of the arguments I've heard from people who've signed up on a yearly basis, which is a one year contract with the full amount billed in advance, and call us arguing that they shouldn't be on the hook for the year anymore:

• "I've decided that I need high speed."
• "I don't have a computer anymore."
• "My computer isn't working."
• "I'm going on vacation."
• "I don't want your service anymore."

All of those things are fine, but they don't constitute a valid reason for the customer to break their end of the contract.

From there, the discussion usually moves in one of a few directions (sometimes hitting more than one, depending on the tactics taken by the caller):

I didn't know there was no refund when I signed up. It's an interesting quirk of our laws that ignorance doesn't excuse you from breaking them. Not only that, but it's hard to credibly claim you didn't know when the fact that there are no refunds is mentioned explicitly by every agent when you're signing up, and it's explicitly mentioned in a reasonably large font at the top of the terms and conditions on the proxy pages.

I didn't know how the billing would work. See above; the exact amount of the charges, the approximate time, and the exact date are listed on the pages.

Company X offers refunds! Good for them!

I didn't read the terms, I just kept hitting next and OK. Well, if you're comfortable with giving your legal acceptance to things you haven't bothered to peruse, I guess that's your choice, but it doesn't excuse you from your responsibilities.

You should offer refunds. That's kind of a subjective opinion, isn't it? I mean, I think it's great that in all but the most unusual cases, we don't offer refunds. I spent too long working in other places where anyone who whined and complained at a loud enough volume or for a long enough time would eventually get their way, and it infuriated me. If the company screwed up and didn't deliver on what they promised, then yeah, the consumer should be compensated, but if the consumer is bitching because they had unrealistic expectations or the weather was cloudy or things didn't turn out quite the way they thought, then why should the company be on the hook? Offering refunds to people simply because they've succeeded in pissing off the company seems silly, and it might only encourage that individual and others to try the same tactics.

I thought I wanted a full year of service, but I don't anymore. That can happen, but then perhaps you shouldn't have committed to one year. However, the fact remains that you did commit.

Why not just bill me at the monthly rate for the months I've used? I like this one. Hey, I don't want it for the whole year, so why not just bill me as if I signed up for the monthly plan, which costs more but also gives me the flexibility to cancel at any time? The reason is that if we did that, it'd be pointless to have a cheaper one year plan.

If you have a two-year plan on your cell phone, it usually costs a big fee to break that plan. If you're under contract to build something and you don't build it, you might get sued. If you sign some kind of financial contract with a bank and they loan you money, and you don't make your payments, they might start taking your stuff. We prefer to make it a very simple policy: there's no fee, there's no repercussion, there's just no refund.

I don't mind if people ask about a refund. I would, if I was in their shoes. What gets very frustrating is when people argue and argue when the person on the other end is very obviously not going to budge and when they don't have a case in the first place.

Also funny in a frustrating sort of way is when people think they're sly and profess that things didn't work the way that they were supposed to. I guess it could happen, but it's interesting how I have yet to talk to someone whose story actually held up when I started asking them questions.

I was going to end on a snappy note, but I got nothin' else.