Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

A caller called us (as you might expect) and identified himself as the treasurer for a local business. He said that he needed a paper copy of the bill sent out to him. Unfortunately, OurCompany doesn't do that. I'm not sure that we ever have. One of the reasons that all of our billing is automated is so that we can minimize the amount of paper that we have to deal with, which also allows us to keep costs down. That kind of billing doesn't always work for everyone, but OurCompany seems to consider that a worthwhile trade.

I explained to the caller that we weren't able to mail out a paper invoice. He reacted with incredulity. I explained why we don't mail them out, and said that an invoice is available to be printed after the automated payment has gone through. He considered that insufficient, but what surprised me was how rapidly he became angry about it.

Sometimes people don't like the options in front of them. Most will evaluate the choices and either pick the best one or decide not to do business with us. I consider that logical, and it's what I'd do if I were considering OurCompany. I considered this particular case odd because the caller was apparently representing a group who'd had an account with us for a while (I wasn't ever able to actually verify that he was their treasurer, but I don't have any reason to doubt it) and had never received a paper copy of their bill from us. He declared the lack of a paper bill to be wrong and that we couldn't keep doing business that way, and we'd better change our practices. I explained that the OurCompany's billing has always worked that way, and it seemed to be working well for us and most of our customers. He replied that "I've been an accountant for sixty... no, forty years, and I've never heard of anyone doing things this way." He said we'd better change our methods or we'd lose his business.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't think my response to a customer has ever changed based on that threat. It goes like this: on a personal level, I don't care if you stay or go. I probably have a mild preference that you go if you're at the point where you're making threats.

On a business level, our system allows us to provide the lowest cost to the most people. Folks who don't like our billing practices are free to not use our service. Everything is spelled out up front, and personally, I don't think I've ever seen anything shady in terms of the way a customer is billed.

So he's going to take his business elsewhere. OK. That's his choice, and one we don't mind letting him make. However, many people who say that seem to be full of crap, and this might have been one of those times, because after I reiterated that we wouldn't be able to send him a paper bill, he switched tactics.

Caller: "I want to speak to the president of the company."

You can't call Microsoft and get to speak to Bill Gates just because you've asked. You can't call your local MP and talk to Stephen Harper because you're unhappy. It's the same with us. The reason is that the president's job does not include answering phones, and if it did, they'd probably be a lot less able to do the rest of their work.

The caller continued to be unable to let go of the issue, eventually settling into a pattern of demanding to speak to someone more senior than me. I explained that the folks more senior than me don't take phone calls. I gave him the options to contact someone above me (which are email and mail). He said that wasn't going to do and he wasn't going to hang up until I transferred him to someone else. I offered to put him through to someone else in the billing department if he wanted to get a second opinion. He declined and said he wasn't hanging up until I transferred him to someone more senior. I explained that I still couldn't do that, and asked if there was anything else I could do to help him.

Caller: "You will put me through to someone above you!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but I've explained to you that I can't do that, and I've explained why, and I've provided you with options to contact someone more senior."
Caller: "Well, you're just going to have to put me through anyway!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but as I've explained, I cannot do that."
Caller: "Well, I'm not hanging up until you do!"
Me: "Alright, then I'm going to need to end this call."
Caller: "No you aren't!"
*click*