Friday, December 01, 2006
Things I've heard today
Today has been absolutely insane due to questionable decisions by management, busy-ness, and the ongoing crusade against critical thinking that is our average angry caller. Rather than try to editorialize about how today is exactly the kind of day that drives average people to rape kittens, I thought I'd just give you a sample of the things I've heard today. Ironically, this list is not work safe.
--
I had a lady call to sign up. She'd had an account before, but wouldn't admit it. This may have been due to the significant outstanding charges. She had tons of trouble getting the correct banking information to us; it took four calls, and on the fourth, she was on the line with her bank. The bank's representative confirmed the numbers with me and confirmed that the lady had owned her bank account for many years. This proved to be a problem for her when I pointed out that she'd signed up using the same bank account only two years ago and accrued some charges that she hadn't yet settled.
Later in the day, after capitulating to the fact that she would either have to pay her balance or not have service again, she passed the phone to her daughter to do the quick setup on the computer. At least, it's usually quick, as long as the user is halfway competent. Many aren't. The daughter was a snooty bitch who would constantly and without warning put the phone down and walk away, and protest in the background that "I can't understand his accent!" Note that these folks appeared to be native English speakers and are from the same small town that I'm from.
--
Caller: "So you need money to activate my account again?"
Agent: "Yes, we would need to have some kind of valid payment information."
Caller: "FUCK YOU!! You FUCKING IDIOTS!! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING GOOF!!"
Agent: *click*
--
Agent: "Now, this part is tricky. Your mouse has two buttons. One is on the left. One is on the right."
--
Agent: "Stop saying 'OK'. You should only be saying that if you're confirming something. But when you say it, you're not confirming anything. You're just misleading me."
--
And finally, from many calls but merged into one entry, the partial saga of the idiot "computer technician".
Agent: "So you're the computer tech?"
Caller: "Yes."
Agent: "OK, so first of all, we're going to delete those extra icons from the desktop."
Caller: "How do I do that?"
Agent: "... (is he serious?) Right click on each one, then choose delete."
Caller: "It's not working."
Agent: "OK, you know what, forget it..."
later
Agent: "Now, in this box, type in a plus sign."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital M, as in Mary."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, that needs to be S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, sir."
Caller: "Ohhhh! S as in Steven!"
later
Agent: "OK, so after that question, you will see a button that says OK, or if there's more than one choice, you will be prompted to choose one of them. What do you see?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Agent: "It is not the case that you will see nothing. You just read to me the question. After the question, you will see something. What does it say?"
Caller: "I told you, my friend, there's nothing."
Agent: "Please read to me everything on your screen."
Caller: "There's nothing. I've closed everything."
Agent: "Why did you do that?"
Caller: "Because I saw nothing."
Agent: "If you do that again, then we might as well end this call, because you're not helping your customer at all. Now... let's start again."
later
Agent: "What is the error message that you're seeing?"
Caller: "There isn't one."
Agent: "If you're trying to connect to us, and it's not working, then the computer will give you an error message."
Caller: "It doesn't."
Agent: "Fine, click on the icon to connect, and hit dial."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now we've just heard the computer pick up on the line... now it's hung up. Now what does it say?"
Caller: "It says error 680, there is no dial tone."
Agent: "That is an example of an error message. We need to get the correct error, which is whatever it was giving you before you called us."
Caller: "It says error 680."
Agent: "Yes. I know. That's because we're on the phone. We need the error message from before."
Caller: "How do I get that?"
Agent: "Hang up the phone. Hit dial again."
Caller: "OK."
later
Agent: "Alright, now we're finished, and I'll need to talk to the account holder again."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Ms. Smith, how much are you paying your... tech?"
Caller: "$80."
Agent: "You're getting horribly ripped off. Never hire him again."
--
I had a lady call to sign up. She'd had an account before, but wouldn't admit it. This may have been due to the significant outstanding charges. She had tons of trouble getting the correct banking information to us; it took four calls, and on the fourth, she was on the line with her bank. The bank's representative confirmed the numbers with me and confirmed that the lady had owned her bank account for many years. This proved to be a problem for her when I pointed out that she'd signed up using the same bank account only two years ago and accrued some charges that she hadn't yet settled.
Later in the day, after capitulating to the fact that she would either have to pay her balance or not have service again, she passed the phone to her daughter to do the quick setup on the computer. At least, it's usually quick, as long as the user is halfway competent. Many aren't. The daughter was a snooty bitch who would constantly and without warning put the phone down and walk away, and protest in the background that "I can't understand his accent!" Note that these folks appeared to be native English speakers and are from the same small town that I'm from.
--
Caller: "So you need money to activate my account again?"
Agent: "Yes, we would need to have some kind of valid payment information."
Caller: "FUCK YOU!! You FUCKING IDIOTS!! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING GOOF!!"
Agent: *click*
--
Agent: "Now, this part is tricky. Your mouse has two buttons. One is on the left. One is on the right."
--
Agent: "Stop saying 'OK'. You should only be saying that if you're confirming something. But when you say it, you're not confirming anything. You're just misleading me."
--
And finally, from many calls but merged into one entry, the partial saga of the idiot "computer technician".
Agent: "So you're the computer tech?"
Caller: "Yes."
Agent: "OK, so first of all, we're going to delete those extra icons from the desktop."
Caller: "How do I do that?"
Agent: "... (is he serious?) Right click on each one, then choose delete."
Caller: "It's not working."
Agent: "OK, you know what, forget it..."
later
Agent: "Now, in this box, type in a plus sign."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital M, as in Mary."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, that needs to be S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, sir."
Caller: "Ohhhh! S as in Steven!"
later
Agent: "OK, so after that question, you will see a button that says OK, or if there's more than one choice, you will be prompted to choose one of them. What do you see?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Agent: "It is not the case that you will see nothing. You just read to me the question. After the question, you will see something. What does it say?"
Caller: "I told you, my friend, there's nothing."
Agent: "Please read to me everything on your screen."
Caller: "There's nothing. I've closed everything."
Agent: "Why did you do that?"
Caller: "Because I saw nothing."
Agent: "If you do that again, then we might as well end this call, because you're not helping your customer at all. Now... let's start again."
later
Agent: "What is the error message that you're seeing?"
Caller: "There isn't one."
Agent: "If you're trying to connect to us, and it's not working, then the computer will give you an error message."
Caller: "It doesn't."
Agent: "Fine, click on the icon to connect, and hit dial."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now we've just heard the computer pick up on the line... now it's hung up. Now what does it say?"
Caller: "It says error 680, there is no dial tone."
Agent: "That is an example of an error message. We need to get the correct error, which is whatever it was giving you before you called us."
Caller: "It says error 680."
Agent: "Yes. I know. That's because we're on the phone. We need the error message from before."
Caller: "How do I get that?"
Agent: "Hang up the phone. Hit dial again."
Caller: "OK."
later
Agent: "Alright, now we're finished, and I'll need to talk to the account holder again."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Ms. Smith, how much are you paying your... tech?"
Caller: "$80."
Agent: "You're getting horribly ripped off. Never hire him again."
# posted by Terry @ 3:20 PM 
