Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

You know, I do realise that callers aren't going to have certain jargon down for certain things like computers - especially if they're somewhat new to them. However, even my Nana who is 84 can be descriptive enough to tell me exactly what she's doing on her PC when she's stuck (and to any other person other than her first grandson she'd be annoying trying to provide support to). You see, I don't care if you don't know the terms. That's completely acceptable and understandable. What I do care is that you're descriptive enough to get across your message clearly and to convey your message. That was not the case with this woman today - who clearly knew enough about computers to use one, but just didn't know the jargon to describe what she was doing - or to even describe what she was doing period.

Typically, and I don't want to sound sexist here but inevitably will, these type of people are almost ALWAYS women. Deciphering these types of people's 'jargon' (or lack thereof) is almost as easy as trying to learn fluent Russian in a day. Not all women are technophobes and are more than capable of being good with a computer (and I'm not saying otherwise), but our society isn't exactly encouraging when it comes to culturing women to work with gadgets and technology. The end result? See below.

Caller - "So I can't get on my Internet." (on dial up)
Me - "Okay, so how do you normally connect to the Internet?"
Caller - "Well I push down on the whatchamacallit and use the thingamajiggy
and then I'm at Google."
Me - "Okay, so what are you using that's the whatchamacallit?" (I already figured she meant 'mouse' but just wanted to be sure)
Caller - "That thingie you move around the the TV."
Me - "You mean your mouse?"
Caller - "I don't know."
Me - [hitting mute] "That's just fan-fucking-tastic!"
Me - "Okay, so you use something called a 'mouse' to move around an arrow on the screen to select what you're choosing on your computer screen? Is that what you're talking about?"
Caller - "I think so."
Me - "Okay, so when you're using this thing, what do you click or push down on to get to the Internet?"
Caller - "I click in Google."
Me - "Okay, but clicking on Google would mean you're already on the Internet."
Caller - "Oh. Well I can't go anywhere else like the CBC."
Me - [absolutely perplexed how you can get Google but no other pages, but leaning towards some sibling of hers having renamed Internet Explorer 'google' in a futile attempt to confuse her only further instead of calling a spade a spade] "Okay, so what does the icon (she used this term earlier) on your desktop - Do you know what I mean by desktop? - say that you click on with your arrow look like."
Caller - "Well, it's got a thingie in it and there's a round laser running through it."
Me - [on mute again to a co-worker] "Shit! I'm gonna be on this call until I start to fossilise!"
Me - "Okay, so how do you GET to Google?!"
Caller - "Well I use (our company name) to get there. You should know that. You can see my account!"
Me - [on mute AGAIN] "Shoot me now."
Me - "Okay, so what does the icon say that you use to get to Google?"
Caller - "It says (company name - meaning she's got a shortcut to our connection on her desktop like she should)."
Me - "Okay, so when you push on that (company name) icon, what shows up on the screen?" [feeling a sense of accomplishment now after 15 minutes]
Caller - "It says (user name)."
Me - "Perfect! So do you press dial?"
Caller - "I just click on the button."
Me - "Which button?" [one can be never too sure with people like this, so I always ask]
Caller - "The one with that word on it."
Me - [on mute to co-workers as they chuckle] "Anyone got a blunt object? Knife? Anti-tank missle?! Something?!"
Me - "Okay, what does that word say?"
Caller - "Dial."
Me - "Okay, are you able to dial now or are we talking on the same phone line that you connect to the Internet to?"
Caller - "But I can't connect to the Internet!"
Me - "Yes I know that, but if we weren't talking on the phone, would you be able to normally connect?!"
Caller - "But I can't connect!"
Me - "I realise that, but do you only have one phone line in your house?"
Caller - "Yes."
Me - "Okay, so what happened last time you pushed 'dial'?"
Caller - "I clicked on the doo-dad and went to Google. It didn't work. I've told you that I can't get the Internet!"
Me - "Well, actually based upon what you've told me you're actually telling me you're able to connect to the Internet because Google is a web page you can only see on the Internet."
Caller - "But I can't get on the Internet!!!!"
Me - "I understand, but I need you to be a little more descriptive about what things you're clicking on. What do they look like? What steps do you do when you get on the Internet? Talk to me from where you start out to connect to the Internet."
Caller - "Well I click on the (our company name) and then go to Google...."
Me - "STOP RIGHT THERE! What does the icon look like that says Google?"
Caller - "Well I click on (our company name)."
Me - "Is the icon that says Google a blue 'e'?" [she'd denied this earlier]
Caller - "Yes!"
Me - "Okay, so that's Internet Explorer."
Caller - "No, it says Google."
Me - "I realise that, but it's really not - but regardless. Let's move on. So when you click on Google, what happens?"
Caller - "Nothing."
Me - [muted] Great. This woman couldn't describe an orange. She'd probably describe it as a roundish skined thingie!
Me - "Okay, so does the screen change to a different look? Do you get a 'page cannot be displayed error'?"
Caller - "Yes!"
Me - "Alright! Finally we've got somewhere! Good job!" [these people need encouragement even if you want them to really die in a violent car accident that involves decapitation]
Me - "Now when this happens, are you seeing two little computer screens down by the clock in the bottom right hand of your computer?"
Caller - "No, I only have one TV."

At this point, you can see where this is going - NOWHERE! I did finally figure out her problem - she wasn't clicking on dial and then opening up IE. She was just going straight to IE and trying to connect that way - which is never a good way of connecting despite it working sometimes. But what killed me was after an hour of this, she had the nerve...

Me - "Okay, so do you remember how to get to your webpages?"
Her - "I think so. So you want me to click on the WHATCHAMACALLIT?!"

At that point, I hung up - or at least I dreamed I did.