Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

Sometimes, our company will need to send people noticed about their account. The vast majority of our customers read the notice, respond to it, and are on their merry way. Our system tends to save a lot of time for the customers and us, since the customers rarely need to call to update simple things about their account, and if it's an urgent message, they can deal with it from their computer. They don't have to call us, possibly wait on hold, and spend time explaining things to an agent. Of course, some people don't feel comfortable answering yes or no questions on the Internet, so they call us anyway. I don't understand that, but it's fine with me.

Then there are the people who feel so hugely inconvenienced by seeing a notice page that they call us to complain at us for a while. I always find this amazing, if only because they tend to complain for longer than it would take to read and respond to the notice. Personally, I'd rather use my time a bit more efficiently, but I guess that's me and my whole "common sense" approach to things.

On a sometimes related note, people will often exaggerate their problem when they call technical support, perhaps out of a belief that we'll try harder to help the customer if they've been struggling for longer or with a more difficult issue or something like that. I know that for me, and probably most support agents out there, I'm going to try and solve your issue no matter how long you've been working at it. It's been 80 seconds? OK, let's take a look and get you going again. It's been two and a half months? OK, let's take a look and get you going again. The thing is that computer problems are rarely going to be any different based on how much time you've let lapse until doing something about it, so if you didn't enter your password when you tried to connect the first time, and you didn't enter it on the second or third try, and you've left it alone for three days, hoping it'll work on its own, the thing is that the problem is still exactly the same when you finally call us about it as it was the first time.

Now let's bring those two elements together into one fun caller!

Caller: "I've been pissing around with your damn notice for an hour and it's blocking me and I'm really upset!"
Me: "OK, what's the trouble that you're having with it?"
Caller: "It won't go away!"
Me: "Right. It'll stay there till you confirm that things look ok on that notice."
Caller: "I've been trying to do this for an hour and it doesn't work!"

I look at the log files. He initially connected about five minutes ago, completed the notice two minutes after that, then finally disconnected to call me. The instructions on the notice explicitly say that once you've completed the notice, you need to disconnect, and you're done. So he isn't having a problem, he's successfully carried out the instructions, and he's calling to complain. Total time spent on his hour-long problem: 4 minutes.

Me: "Sir, I can see from the log files that you connected five minutes ago, completed the notice, and as per the last step of the notice, you disconnected about a minute ago. That means you're finished."
Caller: "But I'm in a hurry!"
Me: "OK."
Caller: "And that notice slowed me down!"
Me: "Well, I'd imagine I'm only slowing you down more. Now that you've completed the notice, I'd suggest you connect again and proceed with whatever you want to do."
Caller: "Fine!"

Me: "OurCompany technical support, how can I help you?"
Caller: "I'm having trouble connecting. It says my password might be wrong."
Me: "OK, I'll just need the name that your account is under."
Caller: "My customer number is 123456789."
Me: "Alright, but I actually need your name, or the name of the person that your account is under."
Caller: "It's SomeCompany."
Me: "No, sir, I need your name, or if your account is not under your name, I need the name of the person that it is under."
Caller: "Oh... it's something@somecompany.com."
Me: "What is your name?"
Caller: "John."
Me: "And your last name?"
Caller: "Smith."
Me: "OK, that's what I need. Thanks."

We often get calls from people who've seen our ads in the phone book or elsewhere, and want information about the product. That makes sense. What amazes me sometimes is the way people will demonstrate a lack of knowledge about a concept or what we offer, and insist on specific answers to questions that don't actually make sense. I also find it amazing that sometimes people just don't grasp that I can't offer an objective answer expressed in a subjective way.

My last caller saw our ad and wanted to know more, since he was thinking about switching from his current ISP. He didn't know much about the Internet, which is fine, but it got tough to answer his questions when I'd already offered him the simplest answer I've got.

Caller: "So, if I switch to OurCompany, what will my email address be?"
Me: "Your email address would be your username@ourcompany.com."
Caller: "So what would would my email address end with?"
Me: "It would end with @ourcompany.com."
Caller: "So if I wanted one that said @mylastname.com, how would I do that?"
Me: "You would need to contact someone who offers a service like that, probably someone who does domain hosting or a specialized email service."
Caller: "And that's not you guys?"
Me: "No, I'm afraid that we don't offer those services."
Caller: "So what would my email address with OurCompany be?"
Me: "It would be your username@ourcompany.com."
Caller: "Oh. Um, so what would it end with?"
Me: "..."

This actually repeated several more times. Now, in terms of subjective answers in objective terms, what I mean by that is when people call up and ask me something like "is your service good?" I'm not sure what to say to that. It's inherently an opinion, and you're asking for the opinion of a person who works for the company you're asking about. I usually just ignore the extra thoughts and answer with my honest opinion, since that's ostensibly what they've asked for: "Yes, I think so." Sensible people tend to followup that silly question with more specific questions.

However, this same caller didn't seem to understand the difference between an opinion and an actual measurement. Here's another excerpt from the call.

Caller: "If I want to make my own web site, do you provide space for that?"
Me: "Yes, we do. Your account would include 10mb of space in which to host a site."
Caller: "Is that a lot?"
Me: "It depends on what you do with the account. Plain text takes up very little space, whereas graphics and other files will take up significantly more."
Caller: "But 10mb, how much stuff could I do with that?"
Me: "That will depend entirely on what you're doing. I don't really have a way to answer that question."
Caller: "How big would an average web site with five pages be?"
Me: "I don't know, sir. Again, the size taken up by a page will vary tremendously based on how that page is constructed. We don't do site design here, and I'm not sure what would be considered average for a page."
Caller: "Would five pages take up a lot of space?"
Me: "That depends on how you make those five pages, sir. I can't answer that question, because it depends on how you decide to make the pages."
Caller: "Oh."

Lastly, the caller was baffled by one other facet of our conversation.

Caller: "Where is the company based?"
Me: "We're in OurCity."
Caller: "Oh! But I called a OtherCity phone number!"
Me: "Yes. Calls from that number are routed to the OurCity office."
Caller: "Where are you?"
Me: "I'm in OurCity."
Caller: "But I called a OtherCity number!"
Me: "Yes sir, that phone number is routed to the office in OurCity."
Caller: "So this is a long-distance call?"
Me: "No, sir, you called a local number. That local number is directed to our office in another location. This happens all the time with phone numbers all over the world. If you dialed a local number, then it's a local call for you, and the phone company handles sending the call where it needs to go, whether the end destination is around the block or in another country."
Caller: "Even though I called a OtherCity number?"
Me: "..."

I hope the world changes enough to confuse me when I'm older (although this caller sounded like he couldn't have been more than 30). I want an excuse to be baffled by everyday things, too!

A recent signup with our company called technical support because he was unable to connect to the service. His problem? Error 666: Your modem (or other connecting device) is not functioning. It could be that he needs to reinstall his modem drivers or that his modem is damaged... or perhaps it was the fact that he chose "satan" as a prominent part of his username.

Me: "Which version of Windows do you have on your computer?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Me: "Alright, so we'll just need to find that out. I'll ask you to click on Start, then--"
Caller: "You'll have to bear with me. I'm not that computer illiterate."

I believe what this caller meant to say is more like "I'm not computer literate" or "I am computer illiterate", but in keeping with the general trend towards mangling English, they've gone and said the exact opposite. There are other key phrases that will tip me off that the person I'm dealing with might not be that savvy, but the main one is "yous guys", which does drive me crazy.

Caller: "Oops! I closed the window. Yous guys'll have to go slow, I'm kinda stupid."

Well, caller, I didn't say it.

I received a call from an older gentleman who wanted to pay for his account. He informed me that his phone number had changed. I asked him for his new number before I transferred him to our billing department. This is where things took an unexpected turn.

He stated that his new phone number was 123-H0H-0H0. At first I thought I misunderstood him as he had said it rather quickly. After he repeated it, I noticed what he was doing. I attempted to explain that he was giving me his area code followed by his postal code and that I would need his phone number instead. That didn't change his answer. Eventually he asked someone in the background then gave me the correct number and apologized for the mistake. I updated his information and tranferred him to have his account renewed.

If only that had been it... Seconds later when he spoke to billing, he gave his phone number as 123-H0H-0H0.

More examples of people not exercising basic thinking skills, all culled from the first two hours of my shift today:

Customer: "So, this is what we call a 'number'?"

---

Customer: "What do I need to make a dialup connection?"
Me: "Well, the main thing is that your computer will need a dialup modem. The easiest way to check and see if you have one is to take a look at the back of your computer where everything plugs in. A dialup modem will look like a spot with two phone jacks side-by-side."
Customer: "I have spot with two plugs!"
Me: "That's two phone jacks?"
Customer: "No, it's the place where I plug in my mouse and my printer."

This customer was looking at two USB ports. They don't even vaguely look like phone jacks, and she knew that she plugged other things into those ports. The only things that they have in common with phone jacks is a vaguely quadrilateral shape and the fact that you plug things into them. This makes the next comment somewhat more baffling.

Customer: "I think I can make a phone cord fit into one of these..."

---

Customer: "What should I do?"
Me: "I would recommend that you just restart your computer."
Customer: "I what?"
Me: "You restart the computer. Restarting means you have the computer turn itself off and then back on again."
Customer: "What do I do?"
Me: "Click on Start--"
Customer: "OK, so I go to All Programs?"
Me: "No, you click on Start, then click on Turn off computer or Shut down, then click on Restart."
Customer: "OK, I've got this menu up that says Standby, Turn off, Restart."
Me: "Right."
Customer: "What do I do?"
Me: "Well, since we're aiming to restart the computer, you click on Restart."
Customer: "I click on restart?"
Me: "... yes. Yes you do."
Customer: "Oh, ok. OHMYGOD!! It says that Windows is shutting down!!"

---

Me: "Alright, now you'll need to doubleclick on the connection icon."
Customer: "Is that a right click or a left click?"
Me: "Doubleclicking means that you click twice quickly with the left button."
Customer: "OK, it says Connect and Create shortcut."
Me: "That means you've right clicked. You'll need to use the other button and doubleclick."
Customer: "OK, it says Connect and Create shortcut again."
Me: "Those will only come up if you've right clicked. Make sure you use the button on the other side of your mouse."
Customer: "I did right click!"
Me: "Yes sir, and what I'm saying is that you need to NOT right click. You need to use the left button, and you need to click it twice quickly."
Customer: "Oh, I misunderstood.

"I'm having trouble logging into MSN."

We get this surprisingly often. Perhaps it isn't too surprising, as a lot of people new to the Internet don't understand some concepts that are very familiar to me. That's why I'll often try to relate Internet concepts in terms that are perhaps more applicable for an everyday user.

Me: "What kind of trouble are you having with logging in?"
User: "It says my email address or password is wrong."
Me: "OK, we don't really have any way of knowing what your login information should be for MSN Messenger, so I'd suggest looking for an option that says something like 'forgot your password' or 'retrieve password' or something similar."
User: "But what is my password?"
Me: "Well, I can look up your password with OurCompany, but that might not be the same as the one you're using for MSN."
User: "OK, give me my password with you guys."
We go through the process of confirming some information for me to release the account password.
User: "That's not the password I use for MSN. Plus I tried it already."
Me: "OK, so I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help you with this. MSN Messenger uses a different set of information to login than your service with us."
User: "But I can't log in to MSN!"
Me: "Yes, I understand that. I'd suggest you look for an option within MSN Messenger to retrieve or reset your password. There will generally be an option like that right on the screen that lets you sign in."
User: "I want to talk to someone at MSN about this."
Me: "OK."
User: "Who do I talk to?"
Me: "I'm not sure. You have to realize that I work at OurCompany, not MSN. I don't know anyone who works at MSN, and I don't know how to get in touch with anyone there."
User: "Well, what should I do?"
Me: "I would suggest that you look at the MSN web site for contact information if you want to get in touch with someone there."
User: "No, I want to call someone. What number should I dial?"
Me: "I have no idea. Again, I don't work for MSN. They are an entirely different company. I don't know what their phone number is."
User: "You don't know?"
Me: "No, I don't. Why would I?"
User: "Well..."
Me: "Thanks for calling! Have a nice day!"

We get this a lot. People will have trouble with something on the Internet, and so they'll call their Internet provider. And that's fine. Sometimes we can help with the issue. Sometimes we can't. Most people understand (after an explanation) that I can't help them login to their Yahoo mail account if they've forgotten their password. However, there are always a few people who seem to assume that I know everything about the Internet because I work for an Internet-related company. Frankly, when you see enough of what's out there online, you become glad that you don't.

I've seen various posts on the net about how to talk to a real person most quickly with various major companies. Those posts, and the thoughts behind them, actually bug me quite a bit.

The whole idea behind having a menu system is to route the caller to the appropriate agent. There are definitely some companies that have shoddy or unnecessarily complicated systems to do that, but most seem to be pretty intuitive. Of course, this is me expressing my opinion, and I tend to do wild things like "pay attention to the choices" and "think". As some of our more memorable customers have demonstrated, these aren't traits shared by everyone.

Our system has three choices. You've got your reception choice, for signing up, questions about the service, that sort of thing. You've got your technical support choice, for problems related to the service. And you've got your accounts and billing choice, which is what you'll choose if you want to cancel or change your credit card. In more than 99% of our cases, one of those three options is going to cover what a customer is calling about, and yet a stunning number of people cannot successfully navigate this complicated trichotomy.

Sometimes, a customer just hits zero, in an effort to bypass the menu entirely. That customer will get to speak an operator right away, but that operator is going to identify which queue the caller needs to go into and transfer them. In other words, the customer has actually cost themselves some time.

Other times, a caller will just pick an option seemingly at random. They'll call technical support and want to sign up, or call reception and want to cancel. Again, the caller is just wasting their own time, as they'll be redirected to the proper queue, time they could have saved by listening to the choices and thinking about where their issue falls.

Admittedly, there are some calls where the choices don't appear to cover what you're calling about. A person calling about a job interview is best served talking to an operator, and a person looking to sell another innovative way of marketing is best served not calling at all (it'd be handy if our menu explained that). But if you're looking to get your questions answered or your problem solved or your self on the Internet as fast as possible, follow the system. It's there for exactly that reason.