Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

If the soul-crushing nature of doing tech support stems from the countless repetitive instances of the same silly questions, imagine what it's like when those things constantly reoccur on the same call.

An example: a customer calls with an error when they try to connect. The error indicates that Windows cannot communicate with their modem. In the vast majority of cases, this error is fixed in one of two ways: either you restart the computer, or you reinstall the modem's driver. Really, in the grand scheme of errors, this type is very nice, because there aren't multiple things that are likely to be at fault.

Not everyone understands what a modem driver is. I generally describe it as "the program that lets Windows talk to your modem" or something similar. The driver is like a translator: without it, the communication is unintelligible.

Now... if a customer calls with one of those errors, we suggest restarting. If they've already done so, we need to tell them to try reinstalling the driver.

"So I should reinstall the modem driver?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Because I've already restarted."
"Right."
"And I checked the cords at the back."
"Yep."
"So you think I should reinstall the modem driver?"
"That's correct."
"I checked my settings, too."
"... yes sir, this problem is not going to be related to your settings. It's definitely an issue with the modem driver. That driver needs to be reinstalled."
"Oh, ok. So... I should install that driver again?"

Argh.

And then there's the flip side, where the customer seems insistent on mentioning the same point over and over. Sometimes it's trivial.

"Hi, this is so-and-so, let me give you my customer number!"
"Actually ma'am, that's ok, I just need your phone number to bring up your account."
"Oh, ok, it's 555-123-1234."
"Thanks... alright, I've got your account here. What can I hel--"
"Do you need my customer number?"
"No, that's ok, I have your account here in front of me. What can I help you with?"
"Well, I need to renew my account."
"Sure."
...the acount is renewed...
"Alright ma'm, your account is all set for another year. Was there anything else I could look at for you?"
"Do you need anything else?"
"Uh, no, your account is ready to renew."
"I have my customer number if you need it."
"..."

Our company provides dialup. One nice thing about that is that you don't have multiple packages available in terms of the speed: everyone gets the same access. The thing about dialup service is that if a customer's computer is connecting at a slow speed, it's very rare that we can directly do anything about it.

Primarily, two things limit a connection speed: line quality and the modem driver. If a customer's got a phone line problem, like static or humming on the line, a splitter or something else weakening the signal, or they're just in a bad spot on the phone company's infrastructure, then that physical problem with the line needs to be addressed before their connection will ever improve. If the customer's modem is misbehaving, then reinstalling the modem driver will fix the problem. Theoretically, some modems might have compatibility issues with the server-side modems (i.e. the stuff on our end), but I'm not aware of anything like that. At this stage in the technology's life, it's not too likely.

A customer called and told me that her friend had called us about slow speeds, and her friend was walked through some steps that made her computer much faster. Now she connects at 11.5 kegabits! The customer wanted to do the same thing, since she's only connecting at 3.1 kegabits.

I don't really expect customers to know certain things. For example, I don't really expect them to know exactly what the unit of measurement on their connection speed is, and I wouldn't really explain what kilobits (or bits, since it appears both ways) are anyway. It's abstract enough that if the customer doesn't already know it's usually more hassle than it's worth to explain. I also don't really expect customers to know that sometimes Windows will report the modem's port speed as the connection speed. The port in which the modem is sitting will have its own speed setting, and that speed can erroneously be displayed sometimes. It's going to be faster than the actual connection speed. By default, it'll be twice as fast as the highest theoretical speed your dialup connection can attain.

See? I'm already bored typing that stuff out.

The customer who was calling was seeing her actual connection speed reported (31.2kbps) and her friend was probably seeing her port speed (115.2kbps). I can understand how that would be confusing, so I tried to explain that her friend's speed wasn't quite being reported accurately. The caller insisted that someone had walked her friend through security and spyware stuff, and everything ran much faster afterwards. That's certainly possible; spyware and other similar software won't slow down your actual connection speed, but it can use up the available speed for its own purposes. Removing the spyware will free up more of your bandwidth for you. I explained that to the customer as well.

"OK... obviously she talked to someone else who knew how to speed things up, because you're not answering my question."

The problem wasn't that I wasn't answering her question, it's that the caller didn't know what her information actually meant. If she's connecting at 31.2kbps, then it's likely she'd want to reinstall her modem drivers, although it's also possible she's got line noise. By default, her computer is going to connect as fast as it can. Anything we change will either not affect the speed or limit it further. I explained these things to her, but she still didn't believe me.

There are sometimes people who'll pick a fight without knowing enough about the fight. This caller did have a minor problem, and I explained how to correct it, but she didn't like my answer. That doesn't change the fact that it is the right answer. She argued without having the knowledge necessary to back up her points. Really, if you're measuring your connection speed in kegabytes, you shouldn't be arguing with the technician that he doesn't know his stuff.

There are times when we'll have someone call on behalf of a customer, which is usually fine. Sometimes the customer can't speak English very well, or isn't comfortable with their computer, and they prefer to have a friend talk to us. In the end, that's often better. There are occasional speed bumps, such as the friend not knowing the password or having billing information, but on the whole it's probably easier for everyone most times.

However, there are definitely spots where that's not the case. Last week, a gentleman called and asked if he could sign up a new account for his friend, whose English wasn't very good. I said sure. The man who called already had an account with us, so I thought it would most likely be a quick process. Sadly, it wasn't.

He didn't have any information ready, such as his friend's phone number or address, the billing information, etc. At a couple of points, he passed me over to the new customer, the one whose English wasn't great. And you know what? I could understand the guy just fine. He spoke with a thick accent, but his English was good.

Then we get back to the friend, and we get ready to go through the setup itself. "Alright, now you'll need to click on Start, then click on Control Panel."

"Oh, hold on, this Windows is in Spanish! Hey, buddy, where's Control Panel?"

So we ended up fumbling through the setup with a guy who didn't speak the language in which Windows was running while his friend, who did speak the language, simply translated things effortlessly when asked. Why didn't I just get to talk to him?

And on a related note, it's really frustrating when customers call in and have an orgy of sound going on in the background. Yes, life happens. A young child might bang her head and start screaming. That type of thing is understandable. What's not so easily understandable is why you then pick up the child, hold them very close to the phone, and continue talking to me as if there isn't a sonic equivalent to a painful operation going on in my headset. Please: defuse the noisy situation. We'll wait! If you need more time, just say so! We'll save your information and talk to you when you can call back!

And please, think about what kind of environment you're in when you call. It's probably not a good idea to have a TV and radio blaring in the background if it means you can't hear us. Feel free to say "excuse me" and turn them down or off. It's much easier for everyone if you take a moment to address something like that than if you try to strain to hear me over the noise for ten minutes.

It's rarely the actual computer stuff that causes headaches for us. Like any service job, it's the humanity that can be a thrill when people are nice and reasonable, and an endless source of annoyance when they're inconsiderate or not thinking.

"You must not be listening to what I'm saying."

Don't ever say that to someone. That indicates that you're bent on being a self-important know-it-all. It's not going to endear you to the customer service rep. It's not going to make that person want to help you. It's going to make that person want to spite you. If they're a better person than I am, they'll continue with their professional veneer. I, however, will probably descend into petty vengeance.

It's always subtle. It's the difference between a rep being willing to go the extra mile for you and relentlessly doing the bare minimum.

The reason a statement like that evokes such bitterness is because you're implying that the rep has no idea what they're doing. For a new worker, that might make them even more cautious and unsure, which won't benefit you. For a veteran, someone who very probably knows exactly what they're doing, it's an insult. It's personal. You don't need to get personal.

Tonight, someone said that to me. It happened to be on an issue that's one of the most common that we deal with. Even on a slow day, we'll probably get a half dozen calls relating to it. Consequently, I know how to deal with it pretty well. I explained to the user what we'd need to try for the first step, something that fixes the problem in roughly 75% of cases (unofficial number, just my guess based on anecdotal evidence).

"You must not be listening. It was working fine before."

Yes, clearly that demonstrates that I'm not listening.

This man ended up being a 35 minute call, which means he took about nine times longer than my average call for the day. Partway through the call, I can tell it dawned on him that I was competent and that I was trying to fix his problem, because there was a tinge of respect in his words that didn't show itself at the beginning of the call. In the end, the problem wasn't solvable, likely due to some unusual circumstances beyond his immediate control, so the best I could do was give him a workaround for now.

It's usually just frustration when people say stupid things, and I try not to let it get to me, but just like employees are expected to maintain a certain level of etiquette and civility, I expect the same from people. My last call before this man was a prepared, competent, friendly woman who thanked me sincerely when we were finished. Those people make all the difference in your day.

The depressing titular question of this post wins for sheer number of times I've been asked it, but this one wins for style:

I tell a customer to enter several digits (it's a telephone number, used to dial up the internet). One of the digits happens to be an 8. After finishing, the customer asks:
"Was that an 8 or an h?"
"Uh, it was 8, the number 8..."
"Oh dear. I better fix it then."

People can lose their composure or perspective over very silly things. Everyone's seen that enough to know it's true. Some people have developed a mild case of fame because of it (see Waiter Rant for a brilliant example). We have abundant examples as well.

A few days ago, a woman called and said she was having trouble connecting. I asked her for the error number, which she supplied. It indicated that her username or password was wrong. I checked the logs, and the password box was blank. It's a common thing; in Windows XP, if you click on the password box, the contents of the box are erased and you're expected to enter the information again. We get a lot of calls like this.

I explain that the password line is empty, so she'll just need to enter her password and she'll be all set. I ask if she remembers her password, and she says she does. Then she asks how this happened.

"Well," I start, "Windows stores your password in that box which says 'To change the saved password, click here'. Usually, if the password line is blank, it's because someone has accidentally clicked there, so as soon as you enter your password again, you'll be all set."

"I didn't click there," she says defensively.

"OK, someone else might have, it's not really important, you'll just want to enter--"

"I'm the only one who uses this computer," she interrupts.

"OK."

"I didn't do that. That's not what happened. Tell me how this happened." She's sounding openly hostile, and I'm not really sure why.

"Well, I've told you what's most commonly the problem. I can't say for sure why that box is blank. But as soon as you enter your password again, you'll be good to go."

"But you haven't answered my question! How did this happen?" She sounds increasingly angry.

"Ma'am, I can't give you a 100% answer on that. Usually, it happens the way I'd described it to you before. I don't know if that's what happened on your computer or not, but as soon as your password is entered again, you'll be all set."

"I've had nothing but trouble with you guys!" She proceeds to launch into a good, long rant about what a terrible service we are. At first, I try to head her off, address her concerns, and calm her down, but she constantly interrupts and keeps talking over me, so I give up. In fact, I figure that since she's on such a roll, I'll see how long I can go without saying a word.

... Four minutes go by. I've decided to read a friend's blog update.

... Three more minutes wander along. I'm checking the news headlines.

... At nine minutes, she says something that requires a response from me. "Yes." I've contributed!

... At eleven minutes, she runs out of steam. She's been repeating herself for most of her spiel anyway. She's concluded with the statement that if I can't refund her money, I should transfer her to someone who can. Needless to say, we're not refunding her money simply because she's got a blank password.

"I'm sorry, but we won't be refuding your money, ma'am."

"FINE! Your service SUCKS!" She slams the phone down, but since I'm a bit of a veteran, I'm ready for this, and the volume is already turned down on my headset.

Here's the issue as she said she saw it: she's had problems, the contract she signed with us guarantees 24 hour service, she can't connect right now and she's had trouble connecting previously, so she thinks we've broken our end of the contract. And so, by her reasoning, since the contract is void, she's entitled to her money back.

Here's how the facts line up: she's had problems, but they've been problems on her computer. Previously, the trouble she'd called us about was a Windows problem. Windows was right messed up on her computer; some system files might have been damaged, malicious software might have infected the computer, I don't know, but she had to reinstall Windows and we'd told her as much. And on this occasion, her inability to connect was due to the fact that her password wasn't entered into the connection window. These things are hardly our fault.

Furthermore, our terms of service specifically state two things, one incredibly obvious, and one not so obvious. The former is that it's not our responsibility to ensure that a customer's computer is functional. An Internet provider is a lot like a door. The customer pays us to have that door opened. We don't provide them with shoes to walk around or a road map once they've gone through the door. Our job is simple and we focus on that job. The user's computer is something we don't ever touch, and so we don't have any way of guaranteeing that it'll always run smoothly. How could we?

The less obvious thing is that we can't guarantee that the service will work 100% of the time. Honestly, I'm surprised by how reliable my company's access is, but outages happen. To guarantee that they won't would be suicide in a business like ours. We rely on other companies. At one point, a road worker somewhere had accidentally cut a cable, which throttled traffic on a huge national company's infrastructure. It severely impacted their service, which in turn affected ours because we depended on that company. We couldn't have promised that that road worker wouldn't accidentally cut that cable, and we didn't have the resources to work around it when he did. Sometimes the world just doesn't work that way.

I could have explained these things to her, but she'd already been firing salvos for eleven minutes. She wasn't in a listening mood. I chose to say that we wouldn't be refunding her money and kept it simple. If she'd engaged me on that, I would have politely and rationally explained the issues to her, but she didn't. She just wanted to be loudly and rudely heard.

Well, it worked, but I wish you'd think about this, lady: you lost your cool and threw a ridiculous tantrum over a tiny, tiny thing. Was it worth it? Did you ever think about how you sounded to the person on the other end? Did you think about the fact that you were ranting and raving to a person at all? Or was I just a disembodied voice, floating on the outermost ether of a faceless company to you? Wouldn't it have been easier to ask your question, get your answer, and correct the problem? Wouldn't you rather save your own time, and dignity, and just move on?

Wouldn't you?

It's not too surprising that many customers don't know terms like "initialization string", "operating system", and so forth. What gets more surprising is that there's an entire language of "slang" computer terms created and used by people who don't know the proper ones. Some examples:

"Close that off" or "X that out" - Close the current window
"Hard drive" - The PC case and all its contents
"Screen saver" - Wallpaper

The last two are examples of a subset of this group that I call "horribly misusing technical terms". When a customer uses a real term inaccurately like this, we end up having to figure out what they mean by context. On the off chance that a customer uses a plausible term that is incorrect, they can cause further confusion. A prime example of this is where a customer is unable to send or receive e-mails but says that it disconnects when they try to send or receive e-mails. They can easily get the wrong solution and waste a call's worth of our time and theirs.

More amusingly, there are people who have such a poor grasp of terminology that even our dumbed-down terms don't get through. Some actual conversations:

"So is my modem my hard drive or is it my screen?"

"Okay, now close that window please."
"How do I close the window?"
"Just click the X at the top right corner."
"What's an X?"

"What's a modem?"
"Well, sir, it's basically a phone for your computer. It lets your computer talk to our computers over the phone line."
"What's a phone?"

Please note that these last two MAY have been English issues, as the employee who answered the calls isn't with us anymore and I can't remember. Having said that, I would not be at all shocked to hear they were fluent, as people frequently seem to turn off their brains entirely when dealing with computer issues. Consider this conversation that I had myself with a woman who spoke English perfectly:

"I can't get to my Yahoo mail."
"Okay, are you able to view other web pages at all?"
"I don't know; I only use the internet for Yahoo mail."
"Okay..."
[insert some troubleshooting here, basically I notice her home page is set to something else, and figure if she only uses Yahoo mail we might as well set it as her home page]
"Okay, just erase what it says there and type mail.yahoo.com."
"How do I erase that?"
"Is it highlighted in blue?"
"Yes"
"Okay, just press 'backspace'"
"I can't find that"
"Okay, try the 'delete' key instead"
"Okay, now it says 'delete all files in the temporary internet folder', what do I do now?"
After a brief moment of confusion, I realize that rather than pressing the 'delete' key on her keyboard, she has clicked the 'delete files' button on the screen.
"Okay, click 'cancel'. Now I don't want you to click the 'delete files' button, I want you to press the 'delete' key on your keyboard."
"What's a keyboard?"

After 5 solid minutes of attempting to explain what a keyboard is using phrases like "The thing your hands are touching when you type an e-mail" and "The thing with all the letters and numbers on it", I gave up. Frankly, I hope she was senile, because otherwise I have very little hope for humanity.

It's a well-known stereotype: the bitter tech support worker. "Why do you get so frustrated with these people? It's not their fault." Sometimes, outsiders have a hard time understanding what's so difficult about the job. I think that there are a couple of reasons why a job like ours can wear out your mental faculties, and to explain, I'll use a couple of analogies.

First of all, imagine that someone tells you a joke. It's pretty funny. You have a good chuckle. 25 minutes later, someone else tells the same joke. There are a couple of words that are a bit different, but as soon as you hear that person start to talk, you know what's coming. It's still kinda funny. An hour after that, you hear another person tell the same joke. Now it's just starting to get old.

And now imagine that you hear that same joke at random intervals a dozen times every day. Is it still going to be funny after a week? A month? A couple of years? Definitely not. In fact, you'll probably find yourself wanting to scream each time you hear the joke starting to be told:

"COME ON! Don't you know any other jokes?! Any at all?! Here, I'll just yell the punchline now! Maybe then we won't ever have to hear anyone else ever tell this joke again!!"

That's kind of what it's like whenever you hear the next customer say "I can't... you know, open the thing where I usually get my stuff to come up." It's bearable at first. You understand that not everyone knows how to use their computers or how to explain their difficulties. But after a while, you start to wonder: shouldn't these people know better at some point? You start to hope that maybe if you drill the right concepts into this caller's head, the ignorance of the rest will be pushed back by osmosis. Needless to say, it doesn't work that way.

Secondly, our society tends to have rules in place for having people tackle new things. You aren't allowed to hop into a car and hit the roads; you have to undergo a testing and licensing process that proves you're capable of handling a vehicle on the streets.

After doing support for a while, you start to wonder if perhaps people need to be licensed before they can own a computer, or perhaps before they can hook it up to the Internet. There are a myriad of statistics which estimate the amount of money lost every year to things like preventable user problems, viruses, and time spent getting simple programs setup properly (normally figured in the hundreds of billions of dollars). In some of those cases, it's not a user problem. Perhaps the software being used isn't very secure or intuitive. At the same time, from my experience, it seems that an awful lot of the damage could be mitigated by a bit more knowledge on the part of the user. Is it the fault of Customer Joe that his unpatched Windows XP system is a ludicrously unsafe setup? Maybe not, but if Joe knew that it's important to have his system download security patches once in a while, he'd be at much less risk. Is it the fault of Customer Linda that her system requires her to right click to access some options? Well, here I'd say yes. I think that there's a reasonable expectation that people are familiar with the basic functionality of their computers. You don't have drivers who aren't aware of what the right pedal on the floor does.

So what's the answer? How do we educate more people to use their computers more effectively? I think the problem is already fading, as more and more people grow up with computers in their homes, and more and more jobs require a minimum level of skill with a computer. Ultimately, however, the problem will never disappear. We can fix it by...

... you know, I have no idea. I'm bitter. I complain about things, I don't offer solutions!

Why does the blog have the name it does?

One of the reasons that our customers can find themselves in our unofficial hall of fame is for the sheer confusion that they sow among the staff. Probably the most memorable in my mind is a guy who managed to have everything that makes technical support calls rough: he was angry, he was ignorant, and worst of all, he was almost entirely unintelligible. Most times, when he called, the person answering would try to figure out what the customer was trying to communicate, but it was usually futile. We would just end up recording the snippets of English that we could catch. Some of his best expostulations:

"The cell block makes you rich!"
"You are making a funny thing!"
"You are not the one who makes the connection, I am the one making the connection!"
"If we don't see it, how do we look for the source?"
"If the browser colors become white, I do not see it! But I am no stupid, I do not care about colors, I look at the source of the page, and you are there!"
"I will involve the law! I know how to do that!"
"You are spamming that, the page it exists no longer! I complain, and it is eliminated!"
"I am poor!" (then 10 minutes later, on the same call) "I make more than lawyers!"
"The mail is spam and is garbage and has man parts!"
"I have my own language! I have trained myself through many years!"

No disagreements there. One of the most cryptic and amusing things he'd ever said was that "you are the suckerfish on the side of my whale!" And so now, when we think about befuddling calls, this individual always comes to mind. Since he's everything that can make our job difficult, it seemed only fitting to honor him with this blog name.

This is a blog dedicated to relaying stories about customer support. All of the people posting work as customer service reps in some capacity, and we all work at an Internet provider; consequently, most of the stories are from the perspective of someone fielding a request from a customer.

Everything posted is something that has actually happened to us. Some things are from memory, so the odd detail may be wrong, but everything is rooted in fact.

What's the point? Well, mostly, it's just to vent. Working in customer support can be frustrating. But there's also the hope that people read this and realize that the person they're talking to might be right sometimes, the problem might actually be an issue with something they haven't thought of, and that being calm and reasonable and polite is a much better method to getting your way than losing your cool and trying to yell people into submission.

We hope you enjoy our collected experiences.