Suckerfish on the Side of Your Whale

You know, I do realise that callers aren't going to have certain jargon down for certain things like computers - especially if they're somewhat new to them. However, even my Nana who is 84 can be descriptive enough to tell me exactly what she's doing on her PC when she's stuck (and to any other person other than her first grandson she'd be annoying trying to provide support to). You see, I don't care if you don't know the terms. That's completely acceptable and understandable. What I do care is that you're descriptive enough to get across your message clearly and to convey your message. That was not the case with this woman today - who clearly knew enough about computers to use one, but just didn't know the jargon to describe what she was doing - or to even describe what she was doing period.

Typically, and I don't want to sound sexist here but inevitably will, these type of people are almost ALWAYS women. Deciphering these types of people's 'jargon' (or lack thereof) is almost as easy as trying to learn fluent Russian in a day. Not all women are technophobes and are more than capable of being good with a computer (and I'm not saying otherwise), but our society isn't exactly encouraging when it comes to culturing women to work with gadgets and technology. The end result? See below.

Caller - "So I can't get on my Internet." (on dial up)
Me - "Okay, so how do you normally connect to the Internet?"
Caller - "Well I push down on the whatchamacallit and use the thingamajiggy
and then I'm at Google."
Me - "Okay, so what are you using that's the whatchamacallit?" (I already figured she meant 'mouse' but just wanted to be sure)
Caller - "That thingie you move around the the TV."
Me - "You mean your mouse?"
Caller - "I don't know."
Me - [hitting mute] "That's just fan-fucking-tastic!"
Me - "Okay, so you use something called a 'mouse' to move around an arrow on the screen to select what you're choosing on your computer screen? Is that what you're talking about?"
Caller - "I think so."
Me - "Okay, so when you're using this thing, what do you click or push down on to get to the Internet?"
Caller - "I click in Google."
Me - "Okay, but clicking on Google would mean you're already on the Internet."
Caller - "Oh. Well I can't go anywhere else like the CBC."
Me - [absolutely perplexed how you can get Google but no other pages, but leaning towards some sibling of hers having renamed Internet Explorer 'google' in a futile attempt to confuse her only further instead of calling a spade a spade] "Okay, so what does the icon (she used this term earlier) on your desktop - Do you know what I mean by desktop? - say that you click on with your arrow look like."
Caller - "Well, it's got a thingie in it and there's a round laser running through it."
Me - [on mute again to a co-worker] "Shit! I'm gonna be on this call until I start to fossilise!"
Me - "Okay, so how do you GET to Google?!"
Caller - "Well I use (our company name) to get there. You should know that. You can see my account!"
Me - [on mute AGAIN] "Shoot me now."
Me - "Okay, so what does the icon say that you use to get to Google?"
Caller - "It says (company name - meaning she's got a shortcut to our connection on her desktop like she should)."
Me - "Okay, so when you push on that (company name) icon, what shows up on the screen?" [feeling a sense of accomplishment now after 15 minutes]
Caller - "It says (user name)."
Me - "Perfect! So do you press dial?"
Caller - "I just click on the button."
Me - "Which button?" [one can be never too sure with people like this, so I always ask]
Caller - "The one with that word on it."
Me - [on mute to co-workers as they chuckle] "Anyone got a blunt object? Knife? Anti-tank missle?! Something?!"
Me - "Okay, what does that word say?"
Caller - "Dial."
Me - "Okay, are you able to dial now or are we talking on the same phone line that you connect to the Internet to?"
Caller - "But I can't connect to the Internet!"
Me - "Yes I know that, but if we weren't talking on the phone, would you be able to normally connect?!"
Caller - "But I can't connect!"
Me - "I realise that, but do you only have one phone line in your house?"
Caller - "Yes."
Me - "Okay, so what happened last time you pushed 'dial'?"
Caller - "I clicked on the doo-dad and went to Google. It didn't work. I've told you that I can't get the Internet!"
Me - "Well, actually based upon what you've told me you're actually telling me you're able to connect to the Internet because Google is a web page you can only see on the Internet."
Caller - "But I can't get on the Internet!!!!"
Me - "I understand, but I need you to be a little more descriptive about what things you're clicking on. What do they look like? What steps do you do when you get on the Internet? Talk to me from where you start out to connect to the Internet."
Caller - "Well I click on the (our company name) and then go to Google...."
Me - "STOP RIGHT THERE! What does the icon look like that says Google?"
Caller - "Well I click on (our company name)."
Me - "Is the icon that says Google a blue 'e'?" [she'd denied this earlier]
Caller - "Yes!"
Me - "Okay, so that's Internet Explorer."
Caller - "No, it says Google."
Me - "I realise that, but it's really not - but regardless. Let's move on. So when you click on Google, what happens?"
Caller - "Nothing."
Me - [muted] Great. This woman couldn't describe an orange. She'd probably describe it as a roundish skined thingie!
Me - "Okay, so does the screen change to a different look? Do you get a 'page cannot be displayed error'?"
Caller - "Yes!"
Me - "Alright! Finally we've got somewhere! Good job!" [these people need encouragement even if you want them to really die in a violent car accident that involves decapitation]
Me - "Now when this happens, are you seeing two little computer screens down by the clock in the bottom right hand of your computer?"
Caller - "No, I only have one TV."

At this point, you can see where this is going - NOWHERE! I did finally figure out her problem - she wasn't clicking on dial and then opening up IE. She was just going straight to IE and trying to connect that way - which is never a good way of connecting despite it working sometimes. But what killed me was after an hour of this, she had the nerve...

Me - "Okay, so do you remember how to get to your webpages?"
Her - "I think so. So you want me to click on the WHATCHAMACALLIT?!"

At that point, I hung up - or at least I dreamed I did.

Me: "Which version of Windows are you using?"
Caller: "It's Windows EX Professional 2004/2002."

Labels: communication

A woman called today to let me know that she was having trouble with her connection.

Me: "Alright, what kind of trouble are you having?"
Caller: "My desktop icons take forever to load! I know that I've got dialup, but this is ridiculous!"
Me: "How quickly your desktop icons load doesn't have anything to do with your internet connection, though. You'll notice that those have to come up before you ever connect to the internet. If you're finding that they're loading slowly, it would be because the computer is starting slowly."
Caller: "Oh. Well, the real reason I'm calling is that Windows Messenger keeps signing in!"

After helping her find the option to uncheck so that Messenger didn't sign in automatically every time, she had this to say:

Caller: "Great! Now the real reason I'm calling is--"

Let me stop her there. This is a small thing, but it's frustrating. If you're calling with more than one issue, then don't announce that this next one is the "real reason" unless it's the last one. Why not? We generally budget our time to make sure that we're wrapping up your account properly before the next call comes in, and when you introduce an issue as "the real reason I'm calling", you convey the impression that once we've solved that, you'll be on your way. If not, that's fine, but it'd be nice if you didn't create that false expectation.

Caller: "Great! Now the real reason I'm calling is that I left my computer on for a few days, and Outlook wasn't finding email, but I restarted it this morning and it worked fine."
Me: "OK."
Caller: "What would cause that?"

What would cause what? You restarted your computer after it'd been on for several days, and stuff worked. Sounds like normal computer behavior so far.

Me: "So it's working fine now?"
Caller: "Yes, but it wasn't before!"
Me: "A lot of things that are having problems can be cleared up by restarting the computer, and if it's working now then it seems like your mail program just needed the computer to restart."
Caller: "Oh, that's good! Now, the real reason I'm calling--"

...that's infuriating...

Caller: "--is that my computer keeps saying something about virtual memory problems. What does that mean?"
Me: "Did it go away after you'd restarted?"
Caller: "Yeah, it did."
Me: "OK, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. If it comes back, you might need to talk to a computer technician, but if you've restarted and it's taken care of the problem, then I'd imagine you'll be fine."
Caller: "OK, thanks!"

And the call ended.

So she didn't really have much in the way of connection issues, and I didn't really do much of anything. Mostly, I just affirmed that restarting your computer sometimes is a good thing.

But the real reason I'm typing out this post is that the way you communicate affects the way people perceive you. I will always try to help everyone the same way, no matter how nice or obnoxious, smart or not so smart, knowledgeable or green, but it would be naive to think that I'm not affected.

Labels: communication

It's not even 9 AM yet the day after our major outage and the fallout is starting to pour in. People are calling in to have routers reset, passwords given, etc. There's a lot of 678 errors - which is essentially the PC saying it's timing out but can essentially be frustrating because you don't know where the issue may lie in the chain. These can be troublesome calls and not quick, which is what you want when you have a massive cue, but I digress...

Despite the fallout and all that goes with that, I had a woman sneak in our cue and call in about printing some hard copies of certain emails and she couldn't remember how.
Me: "So just hit ctrl+p on your keyboard and it will print whatever screen you're on in Windows. The ctrl key is in the lower left of your keyboard."
Caller: "I just see start."
Me: "No, on your keyboard. You know the thing you type on?!"
Caller: "But I only see start!"
Me: "No, no. LISTEN to what I'm saying. I said KEEEEEY-BOOOARD!" (I said this as politely as one could say it)
Caller: "Oh, silly me! This is what happens when you're a senior! So ctrl+f then?!"
Me: (or at least this what I wanted to say) "No, this is what happens when you're NOT LISTENING!"

My favourite type of caller is the one who thinks by some sort of magical fairy proxy they're exempt from the rules of the Internet. Typically, this happens when there's an outage of some sort just like there was today.

Caller: "So I heard your message about DSL being out, but I'm not able to download my email. I shouldn't be affected too, right?!"
Me: "No, you giant moron." Okay, so I didn't answer like that.... "That's not true. Email is a basic form of using the Internet and when you're trying to send or receive email, you're effectively using the Internet."
Caller: [in complete shock that they somehow don't defy the rules of technology] "Oh. But my DSL light is showing full sync on my modem."
Me: "Yes, but unfortunately the issue is on Bell's end and it doesn't really matter which lights your modem is showing."
Caller: "But I should still be able to get my email, right?"
Me: "No, you won't be able to connect to the Internet in order to do that - as I explained earlier."
Caller: "So you're saying that I won't be able to use my email?"
Me: "Yup."
Caller: "So can you guys call me when it comes back up?"....
Me: "Our systems are already heavily overloaded with people calling about this issue. As a result of that, we would be unable to do so. Just try your connection in a few hours. You'll know it's working when you can get onto the Internet."
Caller: "But what if it doesn't work?!"
Me: "Wait some more." (and never call us ever again)


I had a caller today who had a genuine issue. He was losing sync but due to our outage, we had no real way of judging the outcome of typical testing we do. Furthermore, when he called us last time he called us from work - which is always frustrating when they expect us to flip some sort of magical switch to solve their issue. Terry had dealt with him previously and promised him that the next time he called in we'd open up a ticket without issue. Terry no doubt did this to get this person off the phone and out of his life as well as the fact that he'd done a decent amount of troubleshooting already. He was the sort of dickheaded customer anyone in support of any kind (whether it be technical or customer) loathes due to them not recognising the futility in the situation.

I kept explaining to him that today was not an ideal time to be opening an ticket because we couldn't really see his line stats and where the issue may lie (which we can sometimes tell via line stats). As such, opening a ticket would be a waste of my time and his because his issue may not get solved promptly. He took this as me telling him I didn't want to open a ticket because I was being rude (although he was right in the sense I didn't want to open the ticket for the reasons I'd given him). We went around in circles and he finally demanded to be called back.

Now you see, I have learnt one thing over my years in working support - you put these people on hold they suddenly go away due to their own self-importance and impatience. Hold is the magical button of all customer support. We know it pisses people off. If you piss us off? You get a time out on hold - usually rather prolonged. So, I put him on hold under the premise that I was going to check out whether or not we could call him back about this issue (we sometimes do this) considering the circumstances. While I did genuinely ask for him, when I approached my boss I made sure we shot the shit about how drunk both of us got on Saturday night and pretty much everything other than his issue. You see, he pissed me off because he was just being a dick and wouldn't recogise the futility in his argument. So I put him on hold for longer than usual. Magically, when I got came back to the phone, my phone was ringing and customer x was nowhere to be found.

We have to be nice during our jobs, but trust me we find ways to be evil. Don't even get me started on some of the comments we'll put in your account... That's for another day.

Labels: futility

As I type this, there's a major DSL service outage in parts of southwestern Ontario. It appears to be an issue on Bell's end, although I don't have any specific information about the problem right now, so it's possible I could be wrong.

Naturally, to save time for everyone, we've got a recording up so that when people call in to the tech support centre, they hear that there are significant system-wide issues. Nevertheless, some people still hear the recording, and wait to speak to an agent directly. Some of them have good questions, but a lot of them don't. Here's a sampling of some of the worse ones:

Caller: "I understand that there's a DSL problem?"
Me: "Yes, that's correct."
Caller: "Is it even affecting corporate customers?"

No, sir, we value you so much that your DSL service is exempted from the problem affecting possibly thousands of people all around you.

Caller: "I don't think I have the same problem, because I don't have DSL, I have high speed."
Me: "OK... DSL is a type of high speed service. Do you know what kind of high speed you have?"
Caller: "High speed."
Me: "Alright, can I please have your phone number so that I can bring up your account?"
Caller: "xxx-xxx-xxxx."
Me: "It looks like you do actually have DSL service with us, so unfortunately your service would be affected by the problem that we're experiencing."
Caller: "No, I don't think it is."
Me: "OK, why's that?"
Caller: "I dunno."

Yeah, I'm going to act on that information and identify your problem... hey look, it's a PEBKAC issue!

Caller: "Do you know how long it'll be down?"
Me: "No, unfortunately. As best as we can tell right now, it appears to be an issue on Bell's end, so we're waiting on them to let us know exactly what's wrong and when it'll be back up."
Caller: "How long will that be?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Since it appears to be an issue outside of our network and outside of our immediate control, we have to wait till Bell lets us know."
Caller: "Do you know when they'll tell you?"
Me: "I would imagine that they'll let us know as soon as they've identified the issue."
Caller: "When will that be?"
Me: "I have no idea, sir. Right now we have heard nothing definite, including an estimate on when we will hear something definite."
Caller: "Oh."

Hey, at least after the third time, he understood.

Caller: "So when you say that there's no estimated time for the issue being resolved, are you talking an hour, a couple of hours, a few days, a month, what?"
Me: "We're saying that we have no estimated time."

I mean, what do you expect?

Caller: "I heard your message, but I wondered if the problem is still happening?"
Me: "Yes, it is."
Caller: "OK, thanks!"

Even though that's a very easy call, in some ways it's the most frustrating, because that person waited on hold to confirm what our recorded message has just told them. They've acknowledged that they've heard the message, but they're talking to an agent... why? I'm not sure. We're basically telling them the same thing that the message did.

Here's the gist of it: if there's a recording up, there's a reason for it. It's going to be informing callers about any important information that might save them some time. If you're calling for a different reason, then you should definitely wait and talk to an agent and get things resolved, but if not, why waste our time? And yours?

Labels: wasteoftime

Caller: "I am going to be planing trees and I would like to know where the cables are so I don't dig into them."
Me: "OK... you'll probably have to call Bell Canada for that, unless you've got your complete phone service with us. I can check if you want to give me your phone number."
Caller: "It's xxx-xxx-xxxx."
Me: "We don't have any accounts under that phone number. Do you have Internet service with us?"
Caller: "No, look, this isn't about service, this is about how I want to plant my trees."
Me: "Right, but if you don't have phone service with us, then that means we don't own your phone lines, so we can't tell you where to dig. If you don't have phone service with us, you probably have to talk to Bell."
Caller: "I did talk to Bell, but no one seems to know who I should talk to!"
Me: "Do you have any service with us?"
Caller: "I have Bell for my phones and Sympatico for my Internet."
Me: "OK, so why have you called OurCompany?"
Caller: "Because I need to know where to dig!!"
Me: "Sir... this is OurCompany. I don't work for Bell. You have Bell phone service and Bell Internet service. I don't understand why you called OurCompany."
Caller: "Well, why do I have your phone number?"
Me: "I have no idea."
Caller: "So who should I talk to?"
Me: "You should call Bell."
Caller: "And how do I get them to tell me where to dig so I can plant my trees?"
Me: "I would just ask."
Caller: "I tried that and they didn't seem to know what I was talking about!"

Yeah, maybe that's because you've called a completely random company to tell you where your phone lines are, a company that you don't have service with and have never had service with, and you're expecting positive results for some reason. You know, like you've done just now.

Labels: communication, genius

Issue: the caller is unable to connect.
Reason: the caller has turned off his modem.

Me: "You'll need to turn the modem on."
Caller: "How do I do that?"
Me: "How did you turn it off?"
Caller: "I pressed the power button."
Me: "Well, then press the power button again."

And once it came back online, it became apparent that the modem was not actually plugged into the computer at all.

If you ever wonder why a tech support worker runs you through checking the very, very obvious, calls like this are the reason.

Labels: genius

Me: "OK, so now you'll want to try going to a couple of different web sites to make sure that everything with the connection is working properly."
Caller: "OK."

And then there was silence.

I waited about four minutes. The guy was a bit older and sounded rather green, so I assumed he was just taking some time to enter the site in. However, after four minutes, I realized I hadn't heard any typing or other noises indicating success or failure.

Me: "Were you able to get to those sites?"
Caller: "Oh!"

And then there was typing.

I wish that was the first time in the call that we'd had this little incident, but it was the fifth. Often I'd ask him to click on something, or open a window, or read something, and he'd say "OK" and just.... not do it. I'd prompt him again and then it'd get done.

Last night, a friend asked me why IT workers always seem to be bitter and short-tempered. I can't speak for all of them, but stuff like this conversation can really wear out your patience with people.

Labels: communication

I answered the phone today and spoke the usual greeting, complete with my name.

Caller: "Who's speaking?"
Me: "My name is Terry."
Caller: "Jay?"
Me: "No, it's Terry."
Caller: "Jay?"
Me: "No sir, my name is Terry. What can I help you with?"
Caller: "You're Jay?"
Me: "No, my name is Terry. T-E-R-R-Y."
Caller: "Oh. OK. Well, Jay, I'm having trouble with my email..."

He had spoken to a guy named Jay earlier in the day, so after the call I relayed that part of the conversation to Jay.

Jay: "Ha, that's funny. Yesterday he called me Greg."

Labels: communication, memory

If you're talking to a tech support agent and that agent tells you she's going to try and look up some information to help with your problem, there are some things you can do that'll be counterproductive. The best thing to do is probably to sit tight and wait till the tech finds whatever she's looking for. An example of a bad thing to do would be reading everything on your screen. Odds are that if the tech needed to know about what's on your screen she'd ask you, and that if she asked you to wait while she looks something up, you aren't going to speed things up by asking questions.

And continuing with our ongoing series, sometimes users don't have the terminology down when they're trying to describe a problem. Take this gem:

Caller: "I use YourCompany, right? And I'm also with Microsoft as my head. Now if I have spam through you, is that good enough?"

... what?

Labels: communication