Thursday, December 28, 2006
Quotes from a potential customer
(right as I answered the phone) Caller: "Did I cut you? Oh... no, it's fine."
This caller asked me about signing up an account. She explained that she doesn't have a credit card or a bank account, but that her boyfriend has a bank account that she can use to pay for our service. However, that account only has one dollar in it. So can we please start an account for her and just not bill her until she's used the service for a while?
I explained that we can't do that.
Caller: "That sucks. I just got a brand new computer and I wanna hook it up. You mean I can't sign up if I don't have any money?"
This caller asked me about signing up an account. She explained that she doesn't have a credit card or a bank account, but that her boyfriend has a bank account that she can use to pay for our service. However, that account only has one dollar in it. So can we please start an account for her and just not bill her until she's used the service for a while?
I explained that we can't do that.
Caller: "That sucks. I just got a brand new computer and I wanna hook it up. You mean I can't sign up if I don't have any money?"
A quote from another agent
Agent: "I don't know anything about the Hungarian radio."
Friday, December 22, 2006
Sisyphian decisions
When you have an account with OurCompany, it's assumed that you and your household are going to be the only ones using it. That's not always the case, and we don't really worry about it too much, but we do ensure that your account can only be logged in from one computer at a time; ergo if you're trying to log in while your sister/friend/boss is already logged in as you, you're not going to be able to.
I just talked to a customer whose last few calls have all been about the fact that she can't log in, and each time the reason is that someone else is already logged in with her account information. In fact, looking at the logs, I'm surprised she hasn't called in the last two weeks, because there are numerous connections being made from two distinct phone numbers, split roughly 50-50. The numbers are in two different cities, too. Obviously, someone has her username and password. The most likely reason for this, based on my experience, is that she's given it to them.
If she wants to log in, the best option is to change the password on the account. That way, it's only her and whoever she gives the password to who can access her account. However, she said she didn't want to do that. "I'm going to try logging in again and see what happens."
O... K... but if you try logging in again, while that other person is still logged in, you're going to get exactly the same result as before.
"That's ok. I'm going to try again anyway."
I wonder what that actually indicates: did she give out the info and expect that the other person could log in whenever he/she wanted to? Or does she actually think that things might change if she tries logging in again, despite the fact that the situation is still exactly the same?
The feeling I get is similar to all those times where someone calls in with a problem relating to their username and password, and when I check the logs, I see that they've tried connecting multiple times (sometimes more than 40 attempts are made) and each time the password line is blank. I mean... the error tells you exactly what the problem is! If you know your password (and many times, when I explain the problem, they do), why not just try typing it into the box that says "Password"? The futility of it all boggles the mind. Well, my mind, anyway.
UPDATE: For whatever it's worth, the lady I'd started this post about eventually changed her login information.
I just talked to a customer whose last few calls have all been about the fact that she can't log in, and each time the reason is that someone else is already logged in with her account information. In fact, looking at the logs, I'm surprised she hasn't called in the last two weeks, because there are numerous connections being made from two distinct phone numbers, split roughly 50-50. The numbers are in two different cities, too. Obviously, someone has her username and password. The most likely reason for this, based on my experience, is that she's given it to them.
If she wants to log in, the best option is to change the password on the account. That way, it's only her and whoever she gives the password to who can access her account. However, she said she didn't want to do that. "I'm going to try logging in again and see what happens."
O... K... but if you try logging in again, while that other person is still logged in, you're going to get exactly the same result as before.
"That's ok. I'm going to try again anyway."
I wonder what that actually indicates: did she give out the info and expect that the other person could log in whenever he/she wanted to? Or does she actually think that things might change if she tries logging in again, despite the fact that the situation is still exactly the same?
The feeling I get is similar to all those times where someone calls in with a problem relating to their username and password, and when I check the logs, I see that they've tried connecting multiple times (sometimes more than 40 attempts are made) and each time the password line is blank. I mean... the error tells you exactly what the problem is! If you know your password (and many times, when I explain the problem, they do), why not just try typing it into the box that says "Password"? The futility of it all boggles the mind. Well, my mind, anyway.
UPDATE: For whatever it's worth, the lady I'd started this post about eventually changed her login information.
Labels: futility, login, sisyphus
Friday, December 15, 2006
Making demands (and how they can backfire)
A caller called us (as you might expect) and identified himself as the treasurer for a local business. He said that he needed a paper copy of the bill sent out to him. Unfortunately, OurCompany doesn't do that. I'm not sure that we ever have. One of the reasons that all of our billing is automated is so that we can minimize the amount of paper that we have to deal with, which also allows us to keep costs down. That kind of billing doesn't always work for everyone, but OurCompany seems to consider that a worthwhile trade.
I explained to the caller that we weren't able to mail out a paper invoice. He reacted with incredulity. I explained why we don't mail them out, and said that an invoice is available to be printed after the automated payment has gone through. He considered that insufficient, but what surprised me was how rapidly he became angry about it.
Sometimes people don't like the options in front of them. Most will evaluate the choices and either pick the best one or decide not to do business with us. I consider that logical, and it's what I'd do if I were considering OurCompany. I considered this particular case odd because the caller was apparently representing a group who'd had an account with us for a while (I wasn't ever able to actually verify that he was their treasurer, but I don't have any reason to doubt it) and had never received a paper copy of their bill from us. He declared the lack of a paper bill to be wrong and that we couldn't keep doing business that way, and we'd better change our practices. I explained that the OurCompany's billing has always worked that way, and it seemed to be working well for us and most of our customers. He replied that "I've been an accountant for sixty... no, forty years, and I've never heard of anyone doing things this way." He said we'd better change our methods or we'd lose his business.
I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't think my response to a customer has ever changed based on that threat. It goes like this: on a personal level, I don't care if you stay or go. I probably have a mild preference that you go if you're at the point where you're making threats.
On a business level, our system allows us to provide the lowest cost to the most people. Folks who don't like our billing practices are free to not use our service. Everything is spelled out up front, and personally, I don't think I've ever seen anything shady in terms of the way a customer is billed.
So he's going to take his business elsewhere. OK. That's his choice, and one we don't mind letting him make. However, many people who say that seem to be full of crap, and this might have been one of those times, because after I reiterated that we wouldn't be able to send him a paper bill, he switched tactics.
Caller: "I want to speak to the president of the company."
You can't call Microsoft and get to speak to Bill Gates just because you've asked. You can't call your local MP and talk to Stephen Harper because you're unhappy. It's the same with us. The reason is that the president's job does not include answering phones, and if it did, they'd probably be a lot less able to do the rest of their work.
The caller continued to be unable to let go of the issue, eventually settling into a pattern of demanding to speak to someone more senior than me. I explained that the folks more senior than me don't take phone calls. I gave him the options to contact someone above me (which are email and mail). He said that wasn't going to do and he wasn't going to hang up until I transferred him to someone else. I offered to put him through to someone else in the billing department if he wanted to get a second opinion. He declined and said he wasn't hanging up until I transferred him to someone more senior. I explained that I still couldn't do that, and asked if there was anything else I could do to help him.
Caller: "You will put me through to someone above you!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but I've explained to you that I can't do that, and I've explained why, and I've provided you with options to contact someone more senior."
Caller: "Well, you're just going to have to put me through anyway!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but as I've explained, I cannot do that."
Caller: "Well, I'm not hanging up until you do!"
Me: "Alright, then I'm going to need to end this call."
Caller: "No you aren't!"
*click*
I explained to the caller that we weren't able to mail out a paper invoice. He reacted with incredulity. I explained why we don't mail them out, and said that an invoice is available to be printed after the automated payment has gone through. He considered that insufficient, but what surprised me was how rapidly he became angry about it.
Sometimes people don't like the options in front of them. Most will evaluate the choices and either pick the best one or decide not to do business with us. I consider that logical, and it's what I'd do if I were considering OurCompany. I considered this particular case odd because the caller was apparently representing a group who'd had an account with us for a while (I wasn't ever able to actually verify that he was their treasurer, but I don't have any reason to doubt it) and had never received a paper copy of their bill from us. He declared the lack of a paper bill to be wrong and that we couldn't keep doing business that way, and we'd better change our practices. I explained that the OurCompany's billing has always worked that way, and it seemed to be working well for us and most of our customers. He replied that "I've been an accountant for sixty... no, forty years, and I've never heard of anyone doing things this way." He said we'd better change our methods or we'd lose his business.
I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't think my response to a customer has ever changed based on that threat. It goes like this: on a personal level, I don't care if you stay or go. I probably have a mild preference that you go if you're at the point where you're making threats.
On a business level, our system allows us to provide the lowest cost to the most people. Folks who don't like our billing practices are free to not use our service. Everything is spelled out up front, and personally, I don't think I've ever seen anything shady in terms of the way a customer is billed.
So he's going to take his business elsewhere. OK. That's his choice, and one we don't mind letting him make. However, many people who say that seem to be full of crap, and this might have been one of those times, because after I reiterated that we wouldn't be able to send him a paper bill, he switched tactics.
Caller: "I want to speak to the president of the company."
You can't call Microsoft and get to speak to Bill Gates just because you've asked. You can't call your local MP and talk to Stephen Harper because you're unhappy. It's the same with us. The reason is that the president's job does not include answering phones, and if it did, they'd probably be a lot less able to do the rest of their work.
The caller continued to be unable to let go of the issue, eventually settling into a pattern of demanding to speak to someone more senior than me. I explained that the folks more senior than me don't take phone calls. I gave him the options to contact someone above me (which are email and mail). He said that wasn't going to do and he wasn't going to hang up until I transferred him to someone else. I offered to put him through to someone else in the billing department if he wanted to get a second opinion. He declined and said he wasn't hanging up until I transferred him to someone more senior. I explained that I still couldn't do that, and asked if there was anything else I could do to help him.
Caller: "You will put me through to someone above you!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but I've explained to you that I can't do that, and I've explained why, and I've provided you with options to contact someone more senior."
Caller: "Well, you're just going to have to put me through anyway!"
Me: "I'm sorry sir, but as I've explained, I cannot do that."
Caller: "Well, I'm not hanging up until you do!"
Me: "Alright, then I'm going to need to end this call."
Caller: "No you aren't!"
*click*
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Quote of the night
A user's login information was repeatedly rejected on our website. Our logs revealed that she was trying to use 'Mike Jones' as the username instead of 'mikejones'. I explained that the username needs to be all one word, lowercase. This is what she said next:
"I didn't think a computer could tell the difference between uppercase and lowercase."
"I didn't think a computer could tell the difference between uppercase and lowercase."
Friday, December 08, 2006
Reasonable expectations
One of the things that always fascinates me about people is when they just don't have a sensible idea of what'll happen. This comes up sometimes when you answer calls for a job.
By way of example, let's look at a lady who's called a couple of times tonight. We'll call her Betty. Betty has called a number of times over the last couple of years. She's in the top percentile in terms of sheer call volume. Some of the topics have included "oh no, I have a hacker!!" (she didn't), "I want to turn off the Internet for a few days" (she just wanted to unplug her phone cord from the wall and needed instructions), and "something might be wrong on my computer!!" (she had no specific reason to think so). There have been several calls where she would seem to want an answer in a specific way and would constantly interrupt an agent trying to answer her question, trying to harry them into talking in whatever manner she wanted at the time.
Today, her first call involved asking about the installation fee. There is no installation fee. She didn't listen to the agent when he tried to tell her that. She continued to insist that there had been an installation fee. OurCompany has never charged installation fees. She said that the agent was being rude and focusing on the past, not the now, and said she'd hang up and get someone who'd be more polite.
Her second call came less than a minute later, and was handled by another agent. She asked if she should call during the day, or if she could get her questions answered now. The agent told her that it doesn't matter what time of day she calls, she can get the same answers all the time. She then told this second agent that she'd call back during the day when the people on the phones are nicer, since everyone in the evening was surly.
Honestly, if EVERYONE you talk to comes across as surly, do you ever stop to think why that might be? Maybe you're making them surly.
Or maybe you're just crazy.
By way of example, let's look at a lady who's called a couple of times tonight. We'll call her Betty. Betty has called a number of times over the last couple of years. She's in the top percentile in terms of sheer call volume. Some of the topics have included "oh no, I have a hacker!!" (she didn't), "I want to turn off the Internet for a few days" (she just wanted to unplug her phone cord from the wall and needed instructions), and "something might be wrong on my computer!!" (she had no specific reason to think so). There have been several calls where she would seem to want an answer in a specific way and would constantly interrupt an agent trying to answer her question, trying to harry them into talking in whatever manner she wanted at the time.
Today, her first call involved asking about the installation fee. There is no installation fee. She didn't listen to the agent when he tried to tell her that. She continued to insist that there had been an installation fee. OurCompany has never charged installation fees. She said that the agent was being rude and focusing on the past, not the now, and said she'd hang up and get someone who'd be more polite.
Her second call came less than a minute later, and was handled by another agent. She asked if she should call during the day, or if she could get her questions answered now. The agent told her that it doesn't matter what time of day she calls, she can get the same answers all the time. She then told this second agent that she'd call back during the day when the people on the phones are nicer, since everyone in the evening was surly.
Honestly, if EVERYONE you talk to comes across as surly, do you ever stop to think why that might be? Maybe you're making them surly.
Or maybe you're just crazy.
Getting left behind
Today, I talked to a customer that we hadn't heard from in a while. Each time he calls, the problems can be simplified to one underlying issue: he insists on using a browser called Arachne, which I'd never heard of before talking to him. The browser's site boasts that
Hooray! It's fully compliant with the late 90s! For reference:
The browser is designed to be really basic. It doesn't include support for things like Javascript, which has been around since 1995 and has been common on web sites for at least half a dozen years. I would assume that the idea of the browser is mainly that it can be used on very old machines (the FAQ warns that the associated mail client "is simply not really usable without at least 4MB of memory", which is roughly 1/250th of the amount of memory in an average computer that you might buy today). Someone using that browser today might have an archaic computer, or they might have decided that using a browser without so many of the standard features on the Internet today is the best way to stay secure.
That last one is my guess with this guy, although I don't really know. He seems to get offended that some sites won't display for his browser, which is at least six generations behind. I don't know why, but most computer users, even very new ones, seem to have some appreciation of the fact that the technology and experience of using the net is evolving pretty quickly all the time. If you couldn't easily get free programs to surf the net, I might have some sympathy for this guy, but there are several well-known free browsers. If his computer can't handle one of them, well, that's unfortunate, but it's also the reality of being connected to the net. It's just not reasonable to expect the whole world to cater to your out-of-date preference.
* http://www.w3.org/TR/html401/
Arachne is currently fullscreen graphical WWW browser which runs on DOS compatible operating systems. Version for POSIX-compliant systems like Linux is being developed.Arachne was designed by Arachne Labs. It supports subset of HTML/4.0 specification, including tables, frames, imagemaps, forms, and more. FTP and e-mail clients are incorporated.
The distribution package includes freeware PPP dialer, WAV player, etc. Utilities like MPEG video player, AVI/Quicktime/MPEG3 multimedia player or TELNET client can be very easily downloaded as "Arachne packages" - installation process is fully automatical.
Hooray! It's fully compliant with the late 90s! For reference:
This document specifies HTML 4.01, which is part of the HTML 4 line of specifications. The first version of HTML 4 was HTML 4.0 [HTML40], published on 18 December 1997 and revised 24 April 1998.*
The browser is designed to be really basic. It doesn't include support for things like Javascript, which has been around since 1995 and has been common on web sites for at least half a dozen years. I would assume that the idea of the browser is mainly that it can be used on very old machines (the FAQ warns that the associated mail client "is simply not really usable without at least 4MB of memory", which is roughly 1/250th of the amount of memory in an average computer that you might buy today). Someone using that browser today might have an archaic computer, or they might have decided that using a browser without so many of the standard features on the Internet today is the best way to stay secure.
That last one is my guess with this guy, although I don't really know. He seems to get offended that some sites won't display for his browser, which is at least six generations behind. I don't know why, but most computer users, even very new ones, seem to have some appreciation of the fact that the technology and experience of using the net is evolving pretty quickly all the time. If you couldn't easily get free programs to surf the net, I might have some sympathy for this guy, but there are several well-known free browsers. If his computer can't handle one of them, well, that's unfortunate, but it's also the reality of being connected to the net. It's just not reasonable to expect the whole world to cater to your out-of-date preference.
* http://www.w3.org/TR/html401/
Saturday, December 02, 2006
More critical thinking
Caller: "It says something wrong with the name or something."
Me: "OK, what does the error message say, exactly?"
Customer reads out the error.
Me: "Right, that means it's a problem with either your username or password. What do you have in the username box right now?"
Caller: "Nothing! And, see, I was wondering if I should type my username in or not."
Me: "OK, what does the error message say, exactly?"
Customer reads out the error.
Me: "Right, that means it's a problem with either your username or password. What do you have in the username box right now?"
Caller: "Nothing! And, see, I was wondering if I should type my username in or not."
Friday, December 01, 2006
Things I've heard today
Today has been absolutely insane due to questionable decisions by management, busy-ness, and the ongoing crusade against critical thinking that is our average angry caller. Rather than try to editorialize about how today is exactly the kind of day that drives average people to rape kittens, I thought I'd just give you a sample of the things I've heard today. Ironically, this list is not work safe.
--
I had a lady call to sign up. She'd had an account before, but wouldn't admit it. This may have been due to the significant outstanding charges. She had tons of trouble getting the correct banking information to us; it took four calls, and on the fourth, she was on the line with her bank. The bank's representative confirmed the numbers with me and confirmed that the lady had owned her bank account for many years. This proved to be a problem for her when I pointed out that she'd signed up using the same bank account only two years ago and accrued some charges that she hadn't yet settled.
Later in the day, after capitulating to the fact that she would either have to pay her balance or not have service again, she passed the phone to her daughter to do the quick setup on the computer. At least, it's usually quick, as long as the user is halfway competent. Many aren't. The daughter was a snooty bitch who would constantly and without warning put the phone down and walk away, and protest in the background that "I can't understand his accent!" Note that these folks appeared to be native English speakers and are from the same small town that I'm from.
--
Caller: "So you need money to activate my account again?"
Agent: "Yes, we would need to have some kind of valid payment information."
Caller: "FUCK YOU!! You FUCKING IDIOTS!! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING GOOF!!"
Agent: *click*
--
Agent: "Now, this part is tricky. Your mouse has two buttons. One is on the left. One is on the right."
--
Agent: "Stop saying 'OK'. You should only be saying that if you're confirming something. But when you say it, you're not confirming anything. You're just misleading me."
--
And finally, from many calls but merged into one entry, the partial saga of the idiot "computer technician".
Agent: "So you're the computer tech?"
Caller: "Yes."
Agent: "OK, so first of all, we're going to delete those extra icons from the desktop."
Caller: "How do I do that?"
Agent: "... (is he serious?) Right click on each one, then choose delete."
Caller: "It's not working."
Agent: "OK, you know what, forget it..."
later
Agent: "Now, in this box, type in a plus sign."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital M, as in Mary."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, that needs to be S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, sir."
Caller: "Ohhhh! S as in Steven!"
later
Agent: "OK, so after that question, you will see a button that says OK, or if there's more than one choice, you will be prompted to choose one of them. What do you see?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Agent: "It is not the case that you will see nothing. You just read to me the question. After the question, you will see something. What does it say?"
Caller: "I told you, my friend, there's nothing."
Agent: "Please read to me everything on your screen."
Caller: "There's nothing. I've closed everything."
Agent: "Why did you do that?"
Caller: "Because I saw nothing."
Agent: "If you do that again, then we might as well end this call, because you're not helping your customer at all. Now... let's start again."
later
Agent: "What is the error message that you're seeing?"
Caller: "There isn't one."
Agent: "If you're trying to connect to us, and it's not working, then the computer will give you an error message."
Caller: "It doesn't."
Agent: "Fine, click on the icon to connect, and hit dial."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now we've just heard the computer pick up on the line... now it's hung up. Now what does it say?"
Caller: "It says error 680, there is no dial tone."
Agent: "That is an example of an error message. We need to get the correct error, which is whatever it was giving you before you called us."
Caller: "It says error 680."
Agent: "Yes. I know. That's because we're on the phone. We need the error message from before."
Caller: "How do I get that?"
Agent: "Hang up the phone. Hit dial again."
Caller: "OK."
later
Agent: "Alright, now we're finished, and I'll need to talk to the account holder again."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Ms. Smith, how much are you paying your... tech?"
Caller: "$80."
Agent: "You're getting horribly ripped off. Never hire him again."
--
I had a lady call to sign up. She'd had an account before, but wouldn't admit it. This may have been due to the significant outstanding charges. She had tons of trouble getting the correct banking information to us; it took four calls, and on the fourth, she was on the line with her bank. The bank's representative confirmed the numbers with me and confirmed that the lady had owned her bank account for many years. This proved to be a problem for her when I pointed out that she'd signed up using the same bank account only two years ago and accrued some charges that she hadn't yet settled.
Later in the day, after capitulating to the fact that she would either have to pay her balance or not have service again, she passed the phone to her daughter to do the quick setup on the computer. At least, it's usually quick, as long as the user is halfway competent. Many aren't. The daughter was a snooty bitch who would constantly and without warning put the phone down and walk away, and protest in the background that "I can't understand his accent!" Note that these folks appeared to be native English speakers and are from the same small town that I'm from.
--
Caller: "So you need money to activate my account again?"
Agent: "Yes, we would need to have some kind of valid payment information."
Caller: "FUCK YOU!! You FUCKING IDIOTS!! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING GOOF!!"
Agent: *click*
--
Agent: "Now, this part is tricky. Your mouse has two buttons. One is on the left. One is on the right."
--
Agent: "Stop saying 'OK'. You should only be saying that if you're confirming something. But when you say it, you're not confirming anything. You're just misleading me."
--
And finally, from many calls but merged into one entry, the partial saga of the idiot "computer technician".
Agent: "So you're the computer tech?"
Caller: "Yes."
Agent: "OK, so first of all, we're going to delete those extra icons from the desktop."
Caller: "How do I do that?"
Agent: "... (is he serious?) Right click on each one, then choose delete."
Caller: "It's not working."
Agent: "OK, you know what, forget it..."
later
Agent: "Now, in this box, type in a plus sign."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital M, as in Mary."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now a capital S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, that needs to be S, as in Steven."
Caller: "F."
Agent: "No, sir."
Caller: "Ohhhh! S as in Steven!"
later
Agent: "OK, so after that question, you will see a button that says OK, or if there's more than one choice, you will be prompted to choose one of them. What do you see?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Agent: "It is not the case that you will see nothing. You just read to me the question. After the question, you will see something. What does it say?"
Caller: "I told you, my friend, there's nothing."
Agent: "Please read to me everything on your screen."
Caller: "There's nothing. I've closed everything."
Agent: "Why did you do that?"
Caller: "Because I saw nothing."
Agent: "If you do that again, then we might as well end this call, because you're not helping your customer at all. Now... let's start again."
later
Agent: "What is the error message that you're seeing?"
Caller: "There isn't one."
Agent: "If you're trying to connect to us, and it's not working, then the computer will give you an error message."
Caller: "It doesn't."
Agent: "Fine, click on the icon to connect, and hit dial."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Now we've just heard the computer pick up on the line... now it's hung up. Now what does it say?"
Caller: "It says error 680, there is no dial tone."
Agent: "That is an example of an error message. We need to get the correct error, which is whatever it was giving you before you called us."
Caller: "It says error 680."
Agent: "Yes. I know. That's because we're on the phone. We need the error message from before."
Caller: "How do I get that?"
Agent: "Hang up the phone. Hit dial again."
Caller: "OK."
later
Agent: "Alright, now we're finished, and I'll need to talk to the account holder again."
Caller: "OK."
Agent: "Ms. Smith, how much are you paying your... tech?"
Caller: "$80."
Agent: "You're getting horribly ripped off. Never hire him again."
Operating at less than smart
Me: "CompanyName, how can I direct your call?"
10 seconds of silence
Me: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hello?"
Me: "Can I help you?"
Caller: "Yes."
Me: "... OK, what can I help you with?"
10 seconds of silence
Me: "Is there something that I can help you with?"
Caller: "Operator."
Me: "Yes, sir, you're speaking to the operator. Can I help you with something?"
Caller: "Service."
Me: "You're going to need to be more specific so that I know what you actually want. If you tell me what you're looking for help with, I can direct you to the proper department."
10 seconds of silence
Me: "OK, I can either direct you to a department, or I can hang up and help the next person. Please let me know what you'd like me to do."
Caller: "How do I cancel my service?"
Me: "You talk to billing. I'll transfer you now."
10 seconds of silence
Me: "Hello?"
Caller: "Hello?"
Me: "Can I help you?"
Caller: "Yes."
Me: "... OK, what can I help you with?"
10 seconds of silence
Me: "Is there something that I can help you with?"
Caller: "Operator."
Me: "Yes, sir, you're speaking to the operator. Can I help you with something?"
Caller: "Service."
Me: "You're going to need to be more specific so that I know what you actually want. If you tell me what you're looking for help with, I can direct you to the proper department."
10 seconds of silence
Me: "OK, I can either direct you to a department, or I can hang up and help the next person. Please let me know what you'd like me to do."
Caller: "How do I cancel my service?"
Me: "You talk to billing. I'll transfer you now."
